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P A R E
N T T O P A R E N T Ultimate Consequences When a
child seems not to want or need you... JUG | Getting Glued to an Adult | Jail - House Arrest | Residential Care Getting Glued -- Adults Only Phase We left (for the first and last evening out in about three years) the kids home with a babysitter, a young woman the kids know and like, and who has a lot of child care experience. During the course of the evening, my child went crazy, throwing down the stairs everything that wasn't nailed down, while screaming at the top of his lungs, "Let's kill Lotta!" The next day, a Sunday, we began Federici's "adults only" phase. My child had to stay within one meter of an adult at all times, all toys and books were confiscated except a couple stuffed animals to sleep with, he was not allowed to speak to his brother and sister, it goes without saying that television was out. All day for about six weeks, he was "glued" to Papa or Mama, had to work! (drying the dishes while I washed, helping fold laundry, etc.) While we worked, he (and I!!!!) were not allowed to zone out; I constantly asked him questions, "What is the opposite of day? What animal begins with "c"? What shall we have for lunch?" If he tried to run away from me, I caught him and held him on my lap on the sofa till he calmed down (sometimes 45 minutes of wailing and screaming). Then we would talk about it. He had to copy sentences, such as "I will not spit at Mama." (Not easy when you are just learning to write). We endlessly role-played problematic social situations: When a dear old lady asks your name, you do not respond, "Pipi, caca."
Believe me, we were exhausted. But after six weeks, he started to wake up a bit to other people's presence and feelings. Gradually, we loosened the screws. He began to behave miraculously better at pre-school, and that is when they reported us to social services for keeping him busy and not letting him play (this is a kid whose idea of playing was to break flower pots and throw them over the fence, or throw stones at passing cars.....). He actually began to appreciate that "being glued" was a good solution for uncontrolled behavior. If my children saw misbehaving kids somewhere, all the kids would virtuously tell me, "That boy needs to be glued." We had a bad time for the end of the school year with the day care and social services, but it created some solidarity in our family since the kids realized that being glued is a good thing, and that the teachers were not taking any responsibility to make kids behave. They now consider our home as some kind of a model, and are proud to say "In OUR house we don't do that kind of stuff." So where are we now? Maybe not happily ever after yet.....but he is in a normal pre-first-grade type of class, and after a rough first week (hitting, spitting, etc.), the teachers (thank goodness) decided to insist on obedience and proper behavior (within reason of course...if he is too hyper-active to sit, one teacher takes him out of the class to work alone with him.) He even has some friends!!!!!!!! We have invited boys over, and he has been invited back, and didn't destroy anything!!!!!! He can play trucks without bopping anybody over the head, or rolling on the floor giggling like a deranged idiot!!!! As I write this, it's really true, I see that the progress has been enormous in a year. It is true that we are doing nutritional measures as well, and I supervise at all times, but I credit this program with the beginning of a lot of progress. -- Really, I need to get to bed! Diane (Californian misplaced in Sweden) We have a version of this at our house that I use with the younger kids when we have very severe behaviors (not necessarily violent, though ). We call it "JUG" or Justice Under God" It comes from the old Jesuit boys high schools...also known as detention. Behaviors that could result in arrest in a few years or firing from a job qualify for JUG. JUG involves a full day of work, with the list of chores generated, usually 15 chores. When the chores are done, all privileges are returned. This can be completed in as short as 1/2 day if I have a very determined child. Complaining etc. get extra chores. Hard work gets the chores done more quickly. This process actually results in a happy child who feels successful. Lots of praise is applied for cooperating with the program. I have found this to work when we are dealing with basic irritability, hostility and defiance, in a basically stable kid. When a child is truly unstable biochemically, at least in my house, this doesn't work. Just my two cents--Ginny HOUSE ARREST / JAIL Last summer when our child (13 FAS) was doing some really naughty things...things that are typical FASD but not accepted in society...we put her in under "house arrest" for a month of hard labor in our house and told her this is where she would go if she behaved like that again.
At Home...I brought the issue to my husband, who called Liz to the table (our truth table which is safe) to discuss it. He told her "Liz this is serious, it doesn't matter if you took your nutrients or not. The world won't care. The police won't care, you do this to someone else you can go to jail. We are going to hold a court. With a judge and a jury. The trial will be in two days, here at 8:00 pm and you better prepare your case." We then explained the job of a judge, a jury and how to prepare a case. We gave her two days to think about it and didn't bring it up during those two days. When she asked us about it we told her we couldn't discuss the case until the trial. "Sorry, sweetie this is family time, we don't need to talk about it until the trial." She sure did behave for those two days...We had fun, we did things, we enjoyed life. We gave her extra attention and love. We made sure she was well rested and cared about. My husband was the judge and jury...I guess there is some satisfaction in being the father...I was the witness and Liz the defendent. Liz had to >began by telling her side of the story. Since we were at the truth table (our dining room table) she didn't lie and did an excellent job of telling what happened and how. She had spent some time thinking about this. I told my side. Then the judge decided the sentence.... "One month in jail." She looked like she could explode and my husband quietly said with his smiling eyes, I could change the sentence to two months if you have a bad attitude or I could allow you the opportunity for redemption and restitution if you are willing to work off your sentence with a good attitude and go a good job.
And we set her clock for 7:00 am, hugged her, told her we were proud ofher for telling the truth and bringing it to the table with us. And encouraged her. During the day we didn't dwell on the offense, we dwelt on the work at hand, her quality lots of praises, telling people what a great job she was doing, etc. At night we had family time. One night we went out to dinner, one night we went to a movie, a couple nights we rented movies, we made popcorn, we read a book together outloud. We made that time in the evening as special as we could since there were not other interruptions. We did let her go to church Teen Night, Girl Scouts and Church on Sunday with mom. This was not fun...And I don't think she will ever assault someone again and draw blood. It took alot of supervision on my part, but I kept thinking of all the wonderful projects I was getting done and how much she was learning...and the results were she has been things more organized ever since. Well that's what we did...and we did break the concrete a bit, because we have seem no additional violence in the last 5 months. We weren't mean, we were supportive, loving and kind. BUT we were a team and we did not back down. And from years of living with us as parents, Liz knew we had chosen this battle ground and she wasn't going to win. -- Jodee and Karl One suggestion: at the end of her "sentence," conduct a family review of the experience. Perhaps ask her if any aspects of the structure should be continued in "normal" time. Or, alternatively, discuss ways in which she might find it helpful to have more structure in her ordinary daily schedule? -- Bob Sometimes the best place for our FASD children during extremely troubling times is in residential care, group foster care or even instutional care. If you are at the end of your rope and it is breaking. Get on FASlink immediately for support. Many of these families have faced similar situations and they will provide encouragement and ideas to help you through the troubled waters. This site provided
to families and professionals as an informative site to bridge understanding and
help make connections when dealing with FASD.
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