|
P A R E
N T T O P A R E N T by Claudia Barker If only everyone would understand that the 2 most difficult things for my child are 1. overstimulation and 2. transitions. Overstimulation can be positive or negative. Even positive overstimulation is a bad thing and may cause her to loose her slim grasp on self-control. For example, a classroom party may be more than she can handle, and people won't understand when she insists on leaving the room. Transitions are easier for her if she knows what is going to happen when (on a calendar, list or clock), but are never easy. She gets 'stuck' mentally, and can't move on from the last activity to the next one, quickly. She needs to be CALMLY talked through it step by step, not pushed into line. In fact, don't touch her when she's upset. Believe these things: 1. If she says she can't handle something, she can't. She WANTS to handle everything, so admitting that she needs to leave the room for a few minutes is a difficult thing for her to do - so believe her when she tells you. She may do it in an indirect way to avoid embarrassment, like saying that she needs to go to the bathroom (when you know she just went) or to see the nurse about an owie. Just go with it. If she could stay and handle it, she would. Don't embarrass her about it. 2. She wants to be a good friend - she wants the other kids to like her. She wants other kids to think she is... pretty, kind, friendly, smart. She hates herself when she does things that make the other kids think she is not one of these things. Try not to let her get into these situations of competition that she will always come out on the losing end of. 3. She can't handle public embarrassment. That's the worst kind of overstimulation for her - emotional. 4. She honestly may not remember, even though it seems incomprehensible to a 'normal' person that she knew something yesterday, this morning, 5 minutes ago, and really does not remember it right now. Don't hold it against her. She will probably remember it again sometime in the future, but probably not when the pressure is on and she is embarrassed or afraid of public humiliation. 5. She may not always be aware of what her hands are doing, especially if the classroom is noisy. A simple, calm reminder like, "Where are your hands?" may help. 6. Don't shout at her. Even if you shout something wonderful, all she will understand is that you are shouting at her. 7. Make your face show the true emotion of the moment. If you smile while you are telling her that she did something wrong, she won't understand you.> 8. When she is upset, don't give her long verbal harangues. Speak to her in one or 2 words. 9. She lives for your praise (because she WANTS to be good, lovable, acceptable). Use your praise to encourage the good things she does. She will come home and repeat the positive praise situations over and over to me, reassuring herself that she is a good person. 10. Sticker charts mean almost nothing to her, except that she thinks stickers are pretty. A verbal word of praise or an approving nod means a lot more to her than a sticker or a small toy. 11. Don't use the communication book to 'tattle' on her, but just tell the honest truth. Remember that I am just as starved for praise as she is, since I rarely hear anything good from the school about this child that I love dearly and worry about all day long. I want to know the good and the bad, but do your venting to your dog or cat. If anyone knows how frustrating this child can be, it's me. I've spent her life defending her. However worn out and frustrated you may feel, I've felt worse. 12. She's impulsive. She may know full well that you shouldn't do X or Y, but will do it before thinking about it - run into the street when she sees a cat on the other side, touch something hanging on the wall that they are only supposed to look at, pick at a mosquito bite until it bleeds. It's not a matter of not knowing, it's a matter of not being able to take what she knows and put it into action. The action comes first, then the 'knowing', too often in the form of being sorry. 13. She may not look it, but she is very much loved. She may wear clothes that don't match well or that are so old and soft that she can tolerate them finally or her hair may look like it hasn't been brushed - this is the best we can do. Touch is such a difficult thing for her, that we may well have settled for getting her to school without a melt-down instead of pushing getting her hair into a pony-tail. It's a whole life of trade-offs. 14. We really have looked into the medication/allergy/behavior situations. We've had this child for a long time and, believe me, people have pointed these things out to us. Whatever decisions we have made, we've made because we love her. They may not be the decisions you would have made, but we honestly are doing the best we can with the information and materials we have. 15. Sleep is very difficult for our kids. Sleeping through the night is a rarity. She may well be tired at school. It's not because we lounge around watching tv and forget to put her to bed at a decent hour. It's because she had nightmares that would scare a US Marine and can't sleep more than an hour or so at a time. You'd be grumpy, too, if you slept like that. Heck, now you know why MOM is grumpy! LOL 16. Our kids are hard on our familes. It's hard to have a picture perfect family life with a child like this. It isn't that the parents make the child this way, the child makes US this way. We are doing the best we can. 17. I love my child more than anything else in the world. I will defend her above all else, including the school. Don't put me in that position. I hope these help! It's a brave thing to parent FASD kids!
B U I L D I N G N E W F O U N D A T I O N S F O R H E A L T H Y G R O W T H ABOUT | TEACHING | PARENTING | INDIVIDUALS | SUPPORT | PREVENTION | RESOURCES |
