P A R E N T   T O   P A R E N T

Self Abuse
Self Calming Techniques

My child bites herself, pinches herself, scratches herself, bangs her head and pulls her hair out when she is frustrated.  What can I do?

Nothing new from this home front...we've lived through this until one day I even screamed and pulled out my hair along with them...(: ...Boy did that stop them (Liz 11 FAS and Dave 9 FAS) in their tracks... Their mouths hung open and their eyes popped and they said in unison "Mom are you ok?" No I wasn't okay...I was sick and tired of this constant self abusing behavior to the point of picking it up myself....So since we were in home school and we always STOP and break something down into the smallest of smallest tasks...we brainstormed. Dave said "Mom you get mad but you never hurt people, why did you hurt yourself?" And I said GOOD QUESTION. So we proceeded to ask why...frustration, change, new learning,  afraid, not knowing what to do...etc. Then we came up with appropriate things we could do to take care of ourselves and still get the steam out...here is our list...it probably isn't right for you but it may be a beginning.

Make asking for help very APPROPRIATE - reward with praise asking for help before frustration...we could all use a little more of that! By the way I still have my hair and it grew back! (:

  1. Find out what feels good for each child children know what feels good and what doesn't
  2. Listen, watch and learn some children feel more comfortable in a large box, some in an open but quieted environment.
  3. What can desensitize a child when bombarded with stressors -- use your imagination - some children like quiet, some like peace, yet others may need a trampoline to jump on - each child is different.
  4. Start young, as soon as the child can understand how to participate in helping themselves calm down.
  5. Desensitize the environment.
  6. Identify the stressors.

PREPARE A SAFE PLACE of retreat.

  1. Establish a safe and private space
    - behind a chair or couch
            (at family gatherings we often ate off in a corner away from everyone)
    - inside a large box or tree house, some kids like under a stairway.
    - one kid liked under the bed (oh well) another liked under my desk.
  2. Offer soothing furniture and comfort items in that space
    - we set up a wardrobe like a little play closet with lots of pillows and blankets
    - we built a tree house for running to safety (not allowing running away)
    - sitting in rocking chairs wrapped in their blanket like a jelly roll
    - bean bag chairs
    - blow up chairs (sit your anger on that and try to pop it!)
    - squoosh balls for squishing
    - being the meat in a pillow or couch cushion sandwich and then
      pressing (safely) the pillows down
  3. Offer soothing environment
    - dim switch the lights
    - quiet
    - hot bath with bubbles
    - soft music (Mozart can be soothing)

Our family's acceptable self-calming ideas (we challenge you to use you imagination and send us your ideas and we will add them for other families)

Does not need activity to calm

  1. Shower/bath
  2. Lay down with blanket and pillow or snuggle in soft warm place
  3. Cuddling up in blanket with music
  4. Rock wrapped in blanket in darkened room
  5. Ask mom or dad to brush arms, legs, body
  6. Back scratches...we also practice writing numbers and letters on backs
  7. Count to ten
  8. Take a deep breath, look away, get mind off subject"bblblblblblb" and say I am so... .mad, frustrated, angry, embarrassed
  9. Play mirror (watch yourself be mad)
  10. Take a deep breath, count to three
  11. Talk to a friend
  12. Go in hot tub
  13. Chew gum
  14. Play with clay, fimo or wax

Does need activity to calm

  1. Swing on swing with blanket and pillow
  2. Play harp or drums or other instrument
  3. Dance and sing
  4. Go for walk or jump rope
  5. Go for bike ride or ride exercise bike
  6. Go on swings
  7. Jump on trampoline
  8. Play player piano with leg pumping as fast as you can
  9. Go for run (running away is NOT included in this)
  10. Wad up newspapers for fireplace
  11. Crush aluminum cans for recycling
  12. Pull weeds or break sticks for fire stack
  13. Clean dog kennel
  14. Go get funny movie
  15. Bake bread and knead dough
  16. Stack wood in wood shed

Not-acceptable self-calming IdeasPull hair

  1. Scratch face
  2. Bite self
  3. Slap self
  4. Bang head on wall or floor
  5. Hit something
  6. Break something

Hope this helps someone get started... Having it written down we presented our strategy to our therapist and it made it all more concrete and official for our child. One problem with FAS kids is our therapist would recommend calming ideas to our child that WE didn't approve of and knew would escalate her behavior. Each child is different. Let your therapist know what is acceptable to you and best for your child, remember you are a team.  ---Jodee

 

B R E A K I N G D O W N B R I C K W A L L S F O R F A S D

Minnesota Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
P.O. Box 131911, Roseville, Minnesota 55113-0021
 (612) ----------   email: jodee@connetworks.com

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